I Didn't Want To Grow - Until I had no choice

Growth often begins where comfort ends, even when we resist it. A personal story about fear, change, and learning to stand on your own - without support. I had absolutely no intention of joining another group! Even though I had completed the introductory course, my plan was to stay put. I loved the group, the teacher, the challenging lessons that pushed me physically, mentally, and spiritually. So I decided: I would remain in the beginner ballet group for the second semester as well. I studied the new schedule on the bulletin board, trying to figure out how to arrange my classes so that I could dance every day. I would have to go to another teacher occasionally, since there weren’t enough beginner classes mid-semester—but that would be fine too, I reassured myself.

The new semester arrived, and with it, an unfamiliar class with a new ballet teacher. Something seemed off about the space, I thought as I looked around the studio. They must have misprinted something, because there wasn’t a single ballet barre in sight—and how could I possibly dance without one? The teacher arrived; we stood in the center of the room. She greeted us with a proper ballet bow, and the class began. I looked around uncertainly. What is this going to be? I worried. “In this advanced group, we’ll do almost the same exercises as in the beginner class, only without the barre.” What? I thought, dumbfounded. I’m supposed to stand on one leg without anything to hold on to? And jump around like that? Before I could fully immerse myself in my terrible anxiety, the class began. I stumbled and fell, struggling terribly. I want to stay in the small group! I whined inwardly. I don’t want to grow up! And yet… I loved the exercises. Everything felt so good, so effortless, once I finally let myself move. By the end of the class, I realized: it was necessary, despite the initial shock. Often, we experience pain and unexpected challenges in life because we don’t want to grow up, because we imagine life will let us stay children forever. Of course, most of the time, the real reasons are laziness and comfort—as in my case, clinging to familiar, well-practiced exercises—which ultimately do not lead to further growth. But if I train myself now to embrace independence, to dance without support, I’ll be the one who truly benefits… “I’ll stretch a little more,” I said to the teacher at the end of class, lying on the floor, “and I’ll try to grow up, in the places where I haven’t yet,” I added to myself silently… Agatha Seymour /This piece was written years ago. As I return, it finds its place here once again, unchanged./