The Hard Truth About Helping Others: Let People Solve Their Own Problems

I no longer consider it clear what counts as a good deed in life and what does not. Increasingly, I believe that world peace will only emerge when everyone finally starts dealing with the problems in their own lives instead of meddling in the lives of others. Then something truly remarkable will begin! Until that happens, we lecture, give advice, and judge others, often noticing the speck in someone else’s eye while failing to see the beam in our own. We behave the same way even when offering help. In most cases I’ve witnessed up close, the person offering help was only feeding their own ego, proving to themselves and everyone else how good a person they were. They explained to the other what to do and how, sometimes even trying to dominate them. Of course, the possibilities are endless… “Do you understand this?” a friend of mine asked me. For at least five years, my buddy came around weekly, pestering me and asking for money. Because I am not heartless and always felt sorry for him, I gave it to him. He knew, I knew, that he was an alcoholic. It was no secret.

Now, five years later, he has quit drinking, and when we ran into each other by chance, he said I was one of the reasons for his former alcoholism. “For years I gave him money with complete peace of mind, even though I knew what he would spend it on,” I explained—“and now he reproaches me for it.” “What kind of person are you?” he snapped at me the other day, angrily. “Do you think you’re a good person?” he yelled. “A hypocritical fool, a real idiot. It takes just a little whining from someone like you and you immediately feel sorry and reach into your wallet. You consider yourself a good person?” My friend recounted these words to me, his eyes sparking with anger. So I asked him, “Then why did you drink? Why didn’t you stop sooner?” He replied, “None of your business. I do with my life whatever I want. If I decide to drink, I drink. If I decide not to, I don’t. And of course, I’ll make decisions about it whenever I choose.” That was his explanation. “And I even took him in!” my friend burst out again. “Once he half-set my apartment on fire, and of course I covered the damages—he didn’t even say sorry,” he rattled off. “I’ve been there too,” I said. “I felt sorry for someone and tried to help, but it backfired on me. It cost me a lot of money, time, and energy, and in the end I had to justify myself. I don’t even like to think about it,” I added quickly, diverting the thought. “Returning to your case,” I continued, “I think there’s some truth on both sides. After all, no one forced you to support his alcoholism. How much money did you spend on him?” I asked. “I don’t know… if I calculate, about three hundred thousand forints,” he said. “That’s a lot of money,” I remarked quietly. “If you spend it on your own life, at least there’s some result. But everyone pays their own tuition in life—some sooner, some later. I have a close acquaintance who is very conscious about so-called helping. When a family member asked for help recently, this is what he said: ‘I don’t give money or anything else, because whatever I try to do for you, you only harm yourself and me. You’ll learn that whining here and there isn’t enough—there will always be someone who solves your problems for you, and that would be a big mistake. Everyone is given their tasks by life so that they solve them themselves, not someone else. Not a neighbor, not a sibling, not a friend—only they themselves learn and grow through it.’ Fortunately, things worked out with that person. In the end, they made good decisions—probably because they had no other choice—and began thinking about what they could do for themselves, and repaired their life. They wanted to. That may be the key. Ultimately, anyone can change their life if they truly want to. Agatha Seymour /This piece was written years ago. As I return, it finds its place here once again, unchanged./