Which Norms Should We Follow? Understanding Conflict, Acceptance, and Mutual Respect in Relationships

Why do so many conflicts arise when we expect others to live by our rules? This reflection explores acceptance, mutual respect, and the difficulty of letting go of control in relationships and families. I believe many conflicts stem from the assumption that we—and only we—can be right. The possibility rarely even arises that we should truly consider the other person’s perspective—that they matter too, that they also have a past and a system of habits they bring with them, one they have every right to hold onto. There’s probably no one who hasn’t encountered this phenomenon when entering a new family. Almost all of us have stood there at some point, helplessly wondering why we should suddenly live according to another family’s norms, when we ourselves also have our own values, history, and habits. The other side may feel the same confusion, wondering why we can’t instantly accept their norms and why we insist on holding onto our own.

Having gone through a marriage—and all the madness that came with it—I honestly don’t know what the right reaction is in such situations. I can only look back at my own stubborn, uncompromising behavior, and think that if life were to bring me another marriage, I would stand by my views even more firmly than I did the first time. The real solution may lie in mutual respect and acceptance. In recognizing that there isn’t just one way to live or to grow up—that there are other perspectives, even if we are not willing to live by them. In accepting that I may see something one way, while someone else sees it differently. That even though we may genuinely want to change the other person, to help improve their life, it is not anyone’s duty to change according to our expectations—nor at our pace. Within a family, everyone has their own time to grow and mature—a process that cannot (and should not) be interfered with. And even more so in another family, one we may not fully understand. It is difficult to accept that we are not gods, that we cannot force anyone to think or live according to our beliefs. It is difficult to accept that we don’t know everything, that we can make mistakes—and that if we look back on our own lives, we will see plenty of them. That in our own lives, we have always made the best decisions we could with the knowledge and experience we had at the time—so how could we possibly be wiser in someone else’s life? And it is perhaps hardest of all to accept that we often try to give advice in areas where we ourselves have not succeeded. Agatha Seymour